Ebb and Flow

I have been unusually tired, cranky, and ornery these last few days.  I often wonder if the joy of living has been sucked out of me!  I know that this sound harsh, but this is how I feel.  Lacking patience, compassion, and grace, my first mode of response to stressful and anxiety provoking situations has been anger.  Angry, biting words come spewing from my mouth in an attempt to destroy and annihilate these emotions that bubble inside.  It is a dangerous place to be.  Feeling fragile and vulnerable, I dive deeper into my own despair and try to hide away from the world.  Time and time again, these emotions come out with vengeful words towards my children, my spouse, and especially myself.  “You’re and idiot,” I say.  “Could you be anymore forgetful,” I hear myself whisper.  “Why are you even here,” I mutter under my breath.

All of this triggered because life feels overwhelming.  There is not enough time to get everything done.  I can’t complete my to do lists at work.  I can’t find time or the energy to take care of the ordinary tasks of cleaning and organizing at home.  Self-care and artistic expression are things that have flown by the wayside.  In its space are the daily tasks of cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, work, parenting, and grocery shopping.  What makes all of this even more difficult is that my 2 1/2 year old son has completely regressed with the birth of our daughter.  He is defiant, strong-willed, loud-mouthed, and his favorite word has turned into no.  Everyday it feels like I battle him and he is winning the battle.  Mornings turn into shouting matches, dinners turn into battle of wills, and bed time turns into a whining dervish of screams from me and my son.

This is not who I want to be.  This is not how I want to parent.  My resources to cope feel limited and all I want to get away from it all.  As I sit in my office and write, I am praying for perseverance and for greater patience.  I am praying for insight into why I am so angry and the wisdom to work through it all.  And through it all, I am praying for the grace to go with the ebb and flow of life.

I am not the only person or parent who has had to endure seasons of change and trial.  Yet, I feel completely alone.  Just writing that last sentence makes feel idiotic because I know I am not alone.  I know I have a partner throughout life who travels this long road with me.  She reminds me of the type of parent I want to be and of who I am.  I am grateful for her presence in my life that helps to keep me grounded.  Oh the stuff she has to deal with.

Okay perfectionist, time move on from feeling like you have to great everything.  Angry inner voice, I’m tired of you singing in my soul.  It is time for a little joy, peace, and celebration to inhabit my being.  This is what I desire for myself.

As I finish writing, I found a prayer from Henri Nouwen that I prayed myself this morning.  It grounded me in a way that prayer hasn’t in a long time.  I wanted to share that with you.  I hope that this prayer will help you through the ebbs and flows of your life.

Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent Van Gogh: “It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea”.  You are the sea.  Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same.  Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover.  Our of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained, and to your love I am always called back.  There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love.  To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea.

May It Be So.