Fireflies

When I was younger, I loved running at night during the spring and summer. For one, it was always cooler. And secondly, there was a stillness to the sun dipping below they horizon and darkness covering the land. I was often able to run alone without the distraction of other people (even though I had to wear as much reflective gear as possible). Just my walkman playing cool 80′s jams like Michael Jackson or Depeche Mode leading me through my runs through the campus sidewalks of MSU. I still remember singing “people are people so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully!” What a great song and also my first ever cassette album!

But there was another reason that I loved running at night. Fireflies. Yep, those little bugs whose rear ends light up were amazing to see and follow. I remember evenings where it felt as if those little bugs I used to trap in an old used strawberry jam jar were lighting my path and showing me where I needed to go. They were amazing and miraculous all at the same time. As I ran, these little creatures would light my way and dazzle the night with glints of beautiful light.

I was reminded of these memories tonight as I ran after putting my lovely children to sleep. I ran listening to the music of Coldplay, Mumford and Sons, The Script, and David Bowie. All the while, I saw a few dancing fireflies lighting my way and dazzling the darkening day with radiant streams of dancing light. It made me smile and I found myself giggling with joy for my life.

I think all of us have firefly moments where the presence of God reminds us that who we are and the creation we share is enough. There is just a little light that gives us a glimpse of our participation in God’s Kindom here. I was reminded by a few of those firefly moments today. I was reminded by the hugs and laughter of my son who was battling a fever today, but was so grateful to be cared for by his mom and dad. I was reminded of the transformative power of God as I saw members of my church working on their hands and knees to package baby, hygiene, and clean-up bucket kits to be used by people displaced by the storms that have hit our world. I was reminded by the smile of my daughter as I rocked her to sleep how deep God’s love is for all of creation and how deep my love for her dwelled. And I was reminded of how loved I am when my wife kissed and hugged me tonight before our family gathered around our dinner table to break bread and give thanks to God.

So as I write this post, I am reminded that those glimpses of God’s mysterious presence is never far from us. Those glimpses are not only there for our comfort, but a calling to continue the work of being co-creators with God of a world where love truly conquers hate, that justice is sought for all, and care for all of creation is lived into. But until these prayers come true, until I grow and learn how to live into this calling for myself, I continue to look for fireflies to light my way.

Running Again

So, I’ve started running again. Thanks be to the heavens. I run to relieve stress. I run to get my bearings and get rid of my anxious energy. I run because there is a part of me that loves feeling the pavement under my feet. I also run because I love gadgets and as an owner of an iphone, I wanted to try out the Nike+GPS app. Yep, I started running again because I wanted to experience how well an app worked on my phone (I am a geek).

I just used this app for my last two runs and I have to say that so far, the readings are accurate and helpful. This app tells me when I have run a mile and lets me know what my average per mile is. So far, it has been encouraging to use this. Each time I start out for a run, I can make the app cheer for me as a way of encouraging me. And I need that encouragement.

When I run, I feel better about myself and my whole approach to life looks different. I truly am grateful for that. With that said, I need to go to sleep so that tomorrow, I can get up early and get a run before I head to work. Hopefully, the app will tell me that I have run 4.5 miles and averaged 9:45 per mile. Happy running to me!

The End of Perfection!

I don’t remember the last time I blogged. It as been way too long and to be quite honest, not a top priority. It feels like my top priority has been trying to survive the nights with little sleep and long commute to work. But there is also another stirring in my soul, one that is moving deeper within me and to a certain degree, offering some grace into my life. I am working on releasing my perfectionism.

I have had a perfectionistic streak forI don’t know how long. It is something I have struggled with throughout my lifetime. It is a little voice that reminds me every time I write a sermon or even try to write a blog post that tells that whatever I am working on is somehow never good enough. It stops me from writing, creativity, and self-expression. Maybe the greatest harm it does is this stops me from truly offering my gifts fully.

In an effort to work through this, I have been trying to write more frequently and to journal my more innermost thoughts without editing. Yep, I still edit my journal entries. I am also working on allowing myself to be feel everything and not place a value on those feelings. This last one is very hard to do and I find that my judgements and self-criticism shines through in my evaluations of my feelings. Often, I hear myself saying, “well that is just dumb” or “how can you feel that?”

Obviously, I am not the most gentle with myself and I am growing to accept me more fully. With this acceptance comes a larger ability to be able to laugh at myself and that is always good. Lately, even though I am more tired and less energetic, I am appreciating my life more. When I see my children, I find more joy in being able to be with them. When I am in my office working or journeying with members of my community, my heart feels appreciative and grateful for the opportunity to be a part of their lives in ways many people never get the chance.

I remember an interview that Yo-Yo Ma gave the Chicago Tribune several years back. The reporter asked how he could perform in front of so many people without seeming nervous. His response are words that encourage me on my journey today. He simply said, “When I play, I am not performing, but rather I am offering my gift to the audience. All I can do is to offer my gift to the best of my ability.”

And so I move toward that place where I offer my gifts completely and graciously. It is a journey that I continue to take one step and one day at a time. And right now, I am just grateful for the journey.

Ebb and Flow

I have been unusually tired, cranky, and ornery these last few days.  I often wonder if the joy of living has been sucked out of me!  I know that this sound harsh, but this is how I feel.  Lacking patience, compassion, and grace, my first mode of response to stressful and anxiety provoking situations has been anger.  Angry, biting words come spewing from my mouth in an attempt to destroy and annihilate these emotions that bubble inside.  It is a dangerous place to be.  Feeling fragile and vulnerable, I dive deeper into my own despair and try to hide away from the world.  Time and time again, these emotions come out with vengeful words towards my children, my spouse, and especially myself.  ”You’re and idiot,” I say.  ”Could you be anymore forgetful,” I hear myself whisper.  ”Why are you even here,” I mutter under my breath.

All of this triggered because life feels overwhelming.  There is not enough time to get everything done.  I can’t complete my to do lists at work.  I can’t find time or the energy to take care of the ordinary tasks of cleaning and organizing at home.  Self-care and artistic expression are things that have flown by the wayside.  In its space are the daily tasks of cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, work, parenting, and grocery shopping.  What makes all of this even more difficult is that my 2 1/2 year old son has completely regressed with the birth of our daughter.  He is defiant, strong-willed, loud-mouthed, and his favorite word has turned into no.  Everyday it feels like I battle him and he is winning the battle.  Mornings turn into shouting matches, dinners turn into battle of wills, and bed time turns into a whining dervish of screams from me and my son.

This is not who I want to be.  This is not how I want to parent.  My resources to cope feel limited and all I want to get away from it all.  As I sit in my office and write, I am praying for perseverance and for greater patience.  I am praying for insight into why I am so angry and the wisdom to work through it all.  And through it all, I am praying for the grace to go with the ebb and flow of life.

I am not the only person or parent who has had to endure seasons of change and trial.  Yet, I feel completely alone.  Just writing that last sentence makes feel idiotic because I know I am not alone.  I know I have a partner throughout life who travels this long road with me.  She reminds me of the type of parent I want to be and of who I am.  I am grateful for her presence in my life that helps to keep me grounded.  Oh the stuff she has to deal with.

Okay perfectionist, time move on from feeling like you have to great everything.  Angry inner voice, I’m tired of you singing in my soul.  It is time for a little joy, peace, and celebration to inhabit my being.  This is what I desire for myself.

As I finish writing, I found a prayer from Henri Nouwen that I prayed myself this morning.  It grounded me in a way that prayer hasn’t in a long time.  I wanted to share that with you.  I hope that this prayer will help you through the ebbs and flows of your life.

Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent Van Gogh: “It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea”.  You are the sea.  Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same.  Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover.  Our of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained, and to your love I am always called back.  There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love.  To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea.

May It Be So.

The new addition

It has been an amazing few days!  We announced the birth of our little girl and our son is now a big brother!  It is all so exciting.  With that said, this is such a cute video of our son meeting baby girl for the first time!

Meeting Baby Sister for the first time

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So Cute!

And this is the family (including a very happy grandpa) who share a very special birthday with little baby girl!  How fun!

The Whole Family Meeting Anna

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Living My Questions

This past Monday, I began my call as the the designated pastor of Linn Presbyterian Church located in Lake Geneva, WI.  My office is filled with stacks of papers and books waiting to find a shelf.  And in the midst of this I find myself wondering how I got here.  It is like that feeling from lyrics of the great Talking Heads song “Once In A Lifetime”.

“And you may ask yourself

How do I work this?

And you may ask yourself

Where is that large automobile?

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful house!

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by/water flowing underground

Into the blue again/after the money’s gone

Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.”

It is the same as it ever was.  Same as it ever was.  I am diving back into the waters of God, back into the waters of pastoral ministry in a new place and with a new community.  Finding myself both thankful and amazed, I am diving into this new sea with hope, energy, and renewed passion.  Today, I sat in my office going through session minutes for the past few years.  I read through old newsletters and committee reports.  Conversing with folks who have members of this congregation since 1945, I hear the depth tradition, history, change, and faith.  And I find myself invigorated to be part of this faith community, humbled and honored to be their pastor, to journey with them through the hills, valleys and peaks we will explore together.

The challenges are present and real.  An organizational structure that is no longer functioning, no vision for the future, the inability to deal with conflict in healthy ways, a pining for what was……. and the list can go on and on and on.  But the reality for me is that I love these people.  They are good people and come from good midwest stock. They deeply care for one another and for the world in which they live.  They are a people who love to laugh, eat, and converse with one another.  They are group that is deeply concerned with the rise of poverty in our area, the reality that more than 45% of the children receive meals through their schools for free and that this may be their only meal of the day.  They are a collection of farmers, bankers, lawyers, teachers, nurses, doctors, custodians, managers at Walmart, fireman and landscapers.  And they are people who are willing to journey into the questions with me.

What kind of community we will become will be based on the questions we ask and the answers we discover along the way.  One of the statements I have heard is that we want to extend radical hospitality and I have asked them if they understand the implications of what they are asking.  And for myself, I am asking myself what type of leader will I be?

I know myself well enough that I have the danger of doing too much in ordered to be liked.  I want to please people and have people say they like me.  And so I am working hard at being aware of when this voice creeps up that says I have to be all things to all people.  I don’t have to be all things to all people, I just need to be me, to live into my gifts, my talents, and my calling.

Already, I have asked people for help as we deal with finances and budget (not my area of expertise and you can ask my wife about that).  In areas of working of proof reading materials, I have asked people who are much more detailed than I to take a look before things get published in the newsletter, website, and worship bulletins.  I have begun creating a group of people to help me think systematically in planning our session meetings and how we might implement programs more holistically throughout the congregation.  And maybe most of all, when someone came up to me and asked a question I could not answer, I simply said, “I don’t know.”

This may all seem simple to many of you, but for someone who wants to please everyone and needs to feel like an expert in every situation, these are huge steps for me.  I am grateful for members of this congregation extending me grace and reminding me to extend grace to myself.  Thanks Linn Presbyterian Church.  I am grateful we found each other.  Now, let’s get on our backpacks and start our journey to discern and live out our calling as God’s faithful people in this place!

Ritual of Reflection

I am writing to write again.   In the midst of the busyness of working, daily tasks and commuting two hours a day, I find that I truly miss writing.  I used to journal daily.  I would get up in the morning, grab my cup of coffee, light a candle and allow my hand to guide my thoughts onto a piece of paper.  The sound of the pen moving on an unwritten piece of parchment made my soul sing.  It didn’t matter what I was writing.  The act of writing gave me a sense of peace and a grounding.

Writing has been a way for me to reflect and become grounded again.  It was through my writing that I would give myself permission to feel what I needed to feel.  The paper and the pen were a safe place to dream, hope and be as real as I possibly could.  Poetry, stories, and songs would emerge from the writings.  My personal issues would be given form, color and texture.  On the page, I couldn’t run or hide.  There in front of me were my hopes, dreams, fears and doubts.  Printed or in cursive, I had a mirror for my soul.

When my son was born, the time seemed to just disappear.  I found myself amazed at how much of my time shifted asa parent.  I had heard the stories from friends and colleagues.  I was still stunned by both the lack of time and energy I felt to keep writing.  No longer were there many free chunks of time.  My days were filled with changing diapers, feedings, and the wonderful gift of sleep deprivation.  Any chance I had to sleep, I took it.  In the beginning, I was just trying to survive.  I have to be honest about that.  Fatherhood was exhausting.  At the same time,  I never knew how I could love so deeply.  When I gazed into the eyes of my son, I wondered openly if that is how God felt about me.  God, as you look at me, do you love me this way?  Do you have the same hopes and dreams that I do for my son?

With the passage of time, I have felt a this tug back to the pen and paper.  I have wanted to write more again.  I wanted to carve out time for creativity, imagination, and dreaming.  As my son is almost sleeping through the night, I am finding that I can get on a schedule that gives me time to write again.  Between work and family, commuting, daily tasks, and heading to the gym again, I am finding a renewed energy to write.  I am thankful for the opportunity to bring this back.  I am thankful for the desire to do so.

If there is one thing that I most appreciate about writing, it is the realization that I still have much to learn and there is much to give thanks for.  I am grateful that I am doing something that I love.  I serve a congregation as a pastor.  I enjoy journeying with people as we strive to both build authentic community and live out our calling as followers of Christ.  I am grateful to have journeyed through this life with a wonderful life partner, my love and wife.  I am grateful to God for the gift of my son who has become my Zen master, teaching me about patience, joy, and the curiosity to learn once again.  I am grateful to be surrounded by a wonderful family.  I am grateful for my parents who raised their children to be courageous, faithful, intelligent, and loving.  I am grateful to have a wonderful brother who has been my best friend for so many years.  I am grateful to have wonderful in-laws.  I am grateful that in my generation there are 6 ordained PC(USA) pastors.  Yep, I wonder if our children can get a discount on group counseling?  My brother and his wife, my wife’s brother and his wife, and then me and my wife are all ordained PC(USA) pastors.  How weird!  And on this day, as I write, I am just supremely grateful for another day of life, another day to live fully, love completely, and risk courageously to follow where the Spirit leads.

So here is to one of my new year’s resolutions….. to find time to write again.  I am excited by the possibilities this offers.  I am excited by the possibilities of moving forward and seeing what the written word will reveal.  I am grateful for a process that allows my soul to breath into its fullness.  Breathing is good.  Breathing is good.

Living in the midst of Shadows and Light

Carrie Newcomer had this to share in her journeys through India this past fall:

Peace-I can’t determine what is right for another, but I do know we all make daily decisions about what is right & true for us in a particular moment. In my experience, I’ve never regretted an action truly based in love-never. But …I’ve regretted actions based in anger or fear- which never helps. Daily I must ask,”Am I here to add to the shadows of this world, or to add my own small light to the greater Light?”

It was just another reminder that our intentions and motivations matter daily.  Each morning when I get up, the question that I ask is “Am I willing to live into my light or am I allowing my shadow to shape my actions today?”  Am I willing to live into the hope and love I know and have experienced throughout my life or am I allowing my actions to be shaped by the fears and doubts that surround me?  Everyday I have a choice to make with my thoughts and actions.  How will I choose to live today?  I have to say that for the past few months, I have not always liked my choices.  There have been times where the shadows side of me wins and I cave in to my fears.  Those are not fun days. They are days filled with anxiety, stress, and often darkness.  There never seems to be enough time in the day.  There is more to accomplish than time allowed and hope seems so fleeting.

What I often forget that there is as much light, if not more light, than darkness in my spirit and my life.  I am a combination of both light and darkness.  Where my light shines, there is beneath it a shadow side waiting to overpower me.  Each day I have the opportunity to live into the light despite the shadows that surround.  And as the new year approaches, this is what I want to choose to live into.

This past year has been a year of changes and growth.  My son continues to teach me how to love and be patient.  Ryan teaches me to be present to the moments that are so sacred, to laugh, to cry, and to be!  I find myself continuing to learn how to love myself more fully, to love those around me more completely, and to throw myself completely into the precious moments of the day.  I found myself appreciating this as I picked up my son this morning who smiled and giggled and gently said, “da da.”  I was enamored at the beauty of my wife’s eyes as we had a quick moment to steal a glance at each other.  And I find contentment as I sit and write this post, the first post in several months.

I am learning to add my light to the great light.  As I bask in this season of Christmas, a reminder that the light of the world has entered our midst and is lighting our path.  I am learning to live into the light and hope to choose to add my light to the greater light of the world this upcoming year.

As our year comes to a close, I find myself thankful and grateful for a full life.  I am grateful to be surrounded by wonderful friends and amazing family.  I am grateful for Karen who is journeying with me through this adventure of parenthood, marriage, and life.  I am thankful for our son who teaches us how to laugh, to cry, and to be more patient.  And I am grateful that for the most part, I get to do what I love.

Hopefully in the new year, I will let my light shine more brightly and who knows, just maybe do a little more song writing.  Happy holidays.  May the new year bring peace, hope, and joy!

It’s already been a year?

This upcoming Saturday, Ryan will turn a year old.  We are planning on having a small little gathering of friends at Ryan’s grandparent’s home to celebrate his birthday.  I find myself amazed that a year has already passed by.  Karen and I were sitting at the down having dinner together and we could not believe that Ryan was going to be one in just a few days.  As I look back on the year, there is so much I am grateful for.

First, I am grateful for Ryan.  He continues to teach me about patience and presence.  He is at the point of his development where he is curious about his surroundings.  Ryan continually tries to figure out how things work and his motor skills continue to improve.  He is now a walking, crawling, getting into cabinets, and climbing book cases fiend!  And all the while, he hums away to his very favorite songs.

Secondly, I am grateful to realize that communication involves more than just words.  Don’t get me wrong, there are times that words would be helpful, but a look or grunt communicates everything.  Communication can be done without words and if I am aware enough, realize that people are speaking to me through their emotions, body language, and touch.

Thirdly, I am grateful to be a parent and a dad.  As I held Ryan as an infant and now walk with him holding my hand, I experience a little bit of what it feels like for God to be watching and moving among us.  There are times of frustration and anger.  But there are more times of grace, laughter, and wonderment.  As I watch Ryan grow up, I find myself in awe of this little life who is now growing into a little energetic, caring, and curious little boy.

There are things that I also was unprepared for.  For example, how much time would be taken away from both Karen and I.  Before Ryan was here, it felt like we had more time to get things done and more time for ourselves.  I am realizing that time maybe the most precious commidity we have in our lives.  I also have to be honest about the fact that I was ill prepared for the lack of sleep that would occur this first year.  It is amazing what we can get done on such little sleep!

Throughout this whole experience, I find myself grateful for the opportunity to be a parent, a father, and a husband.  I find myself wanting to slow down and savor the fullness of life at each moment.  And I find myself looking forward to the changes that will occur next year.

This brings me to a song I have been working on.  One Sunday as I was talking to some parents at church about the loss of sleep, one friend shared this phrase that stuck.  He said, “Long nights and short years!”  The nights feel long and the years feel short.  With that, I share with you a song from with that same title.  It is still a work in progress, but I thought I would share what I had at the moment.

Long Night, Short Years

Verse 1
My father once told me
don’t sleep the day away.
For time is such a precious gift
and it keeps ticking away.

I thought that he was crazy,
what did my old man know
but now that I’m older I realize
his wisdom that is so apropos

Chorus
Long night short years,
for all my hopes and my fears
one day I look back on old photographs
from a time in my younger years.
Long night short years,
for all my laughter and tears
one day I look back on the life I’ve had and grin from ear to ear,
Long night short years.

Verse 2
Staring in the mirror
what did my doubting eyes see
but a few gray hairs popping out
from the top of my head just mocking me

just a reminder
of the days that are past
so each day when I wake up
I try to make it last

Chorus
Long night short years,
for all my hopes and my fears
one day I look back on old photographs
to a time in my younger years.
Long night short years,
for all my laughter and tears
one day I look back on the life I’ve had and grin from ear to ear,
Long night short years.

Verse 3
My Father came to visit
to see my new born son
He smiled and laughed
as he held him as if he was his own

Speaking to me gently
enjoy these days ahead
for this life is such a precious gift
that is meant to be led.

Chorus
Long night short years,
for all my hopes and my fears
one day I look back on old photographs
to a time in my younger years.
Long night short years,
for all my laughter and tears
one day I look back on the life I’ve had and grin from ear to ear,
Long night short years.

A New Song

So I have been working on writing some new songs.  It is something that I try to do, but here is a song I wrote about a year ago that I just found in my notebook and realized that I really like it.  Hope you enjoy the words!

Looking In the Mirror

Looking in the mirror and what do I see
the same haircut since I was three
you think that I’m joking,
but come take a look at my yearbook postings
and you will find
not much has changed except my behind
add a few inches to my waist line
I place the blame on the passing of time

And I thought that things would be
so different the older I got to be
the more things change
the more they stay the same

Looking in the mirror and what do I see
An odd little man who dreams to be
a beer connoisseur with the Trappist monks
drinking Belgian ale and getting in a funk
with my guitar
playing love songs on MTV
while the paparazzi chase after me
to take a picture for everyone to see

And I thought that things would be
so different the older I got to be
the more things change
the more they stay the same

All my hopes and fears and dreams
bottled up inside of me
just waiting for the chance to somehow be set free
I’ve only got this life to live
my heart is waiting to begin
to live the dreams its had
since I was just a kid
It’s time to make a change
it starts with me today, when I begin to be me

Looking in the mirror and what do I see
a small asian man who’s smart and clean
trying to make the world a better place
filling it with love and grace
and a hopeful heart
doing the best I can to play my part
to overcome my fears and live in hope
becoming a saint just like the Pope

And I know that things will be
so different now that I love being me
the more things changes
things will never be the same!

Looking in the mirror